PROTECTIVE PARENTS OF CHILDREN WHO HAVE

About the Author:

Claire R. Reeves, C.C.D.C., is the president and founder of MOTHERS AGAINST
SEXUAL ABUSE, MASA, a non-profit national organization. Founded in March, l992
MASA has received thousands of calls from across the United States from parents,
mostly mothers, of children who have been sexually abused. Most of these cases are
incest cases, the accused  perpetrator being the other parent or a family member. The
following information is taken from case files and the intent is to try and level the playing
field for families caught up in this  tragedy by arming them with knowledge and the reality
of bias in our adversarial family court system.  

These innocent parents are not received well in our family courts. The non-offending
mother is accused of being vindictive, hysterical and crazy. Most of the children are deemed
too young to testify. Even with testimony from the professionals involved in these cases,
there is great reluctance to believe the abuse happened. Many of these professionals are
also discounted and discredited. Over 70% of the time there is no physical evidence of
abuse so we have the child’s disclosure and the word of the parent who dares to believe
and try and protect the child.  Signs and behavioral symptoms of the child are given little
credence. Unlike any other ailment such as appendicitis, etc., the physical and behavioral
signs would be recognized. Not so with sexual abuse. For example: recurring vaginal
infections must have been caused by too many bubble baths. Falling off a tricycle must
have caused a broken hymen.   Labial adhesions must be birth defects. The list goes on;
any excuse will suffice rather than address the incest issue.   This pattern of minimization
and denial by the family courts is seen across the nation. It is not endemic to any one
part of the country or to any specific State.

Child sexual abuse is the greatest hidden epidemic in this country. Denial and ignorance are
two of the major reasons that we are not seeing significant progress in protecting our children.
A Department of Justice report recently stated that one out of three girls and one out of four
boys will be sexually violated one or more times before they reach the age of eighteen.
Someone the child knows and trusts will commit over 85% of these offenses. If a disease
affected our children in these enormous numbers we would declare a national emergency.
Monies would be made available for research to find a cure. Sadly, little is being done.
Instead parents and advocates for the children are put in an adversarial position with social
service agencies, the courts, guardian ad litems, evaluators, and others whose commitment
and responsibility should be to protect the child.  Many of these cases are discounted as
custody cases and very little investigations takes place. There is a fallacy that parents,
mostly mothers, who are going through a separation

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or a divorce, are making up these allegations to gain an advantage in the custody case.

The truth of this matter is that even mentioning child sexual abuse can be the greatest

detriment to retaining custody. In over 5,000 cases presented to me over the years, the most
common response from the mothers was that even they did not believe the child’s allegations
at first. No matter how acrimonious the separation and divorce may be, the mothers just did
not want to believe that someone they loved and trusted could commit this heinous violation
of his/her own child. The accusations were met with denial by the accused and the accusat
on was turned around to blame the mother for coaching the child to lie. There is a terrible lack
of common sense in the handling of these cases. What mother would want the whole burden
of child rearing? What mother would not want a break to enjoy the luxury of a little personal
time? Why would a mother put herself through the court system, spend tens of thousands of
 dollars, experience incredible stress, if she did not feel that the child was telling the truth.
In many of these cases the custody was already settled to the agreement of both parties.
It is not uncommon when a child feels secure with the non-offending parent, and is removed
from the abusive situation, that the child will then disclose the abuse. It doesn’t matter that
the custody has already been decided; these cases are still portrayed as custody cases and
not child abuse cases. There is still little or no investigation and the non-offending mother is
left with the enormous task of knowing how to protect the child.

THE SOCIAL SERVICE AGENCIES

Social Service Agencies across the country are coming under fire for their failure
to protect children from abuse, and worse, ongoing abuse when they are notified
that a child is in danger.

That situation is never so true than when it comes to allegations of sexual abuse. This article
does not brand all of the wonderful professionals, many of whom are colleagues of mine, who
work for one of the social service agencies.  However, something terrible is happening.
Most of the cases that I have worked on personally have all begun the downward spiral with
the first investigation by the social worker. (As an aside, it is noteworthy that any other crime
 where the adult is the victim, such a crime would never be investigated by a social worker).

Back to the custody case: Thousands of mothers have told me that as soon as the social
worker learns that there is a separation or divorce in the process the immediate response
is not child abuse, but the proverbial custody case.  The interviews with the children are
minimal, if any. The real target is the reporter, in most cases the mother. Due to the lack of
 evidence it is difficult to sort all of this out. However, when a social worker comes to the
home, does not interview the child, for various reasons does not like the reporting parent,
it is indeed a recipe for disaster. The unsuspecting parents are caught in a catch 22 situation.
If the accused is out of the home the social worker often deems the child safe and no follow-
up is required. If, however, and simultaneously, unsupervised

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visitation is court ordered and the child is molested again, the non-offending parent may be
 charged with a spurious charge of “Failure to Protect”. If the non-offending parent does not
send the child to the court-ordered visitation, the parent will be held in Contempt of Court
and risks losing custody altogether. While all of this activity is happening the social worker’s
 reports states the claims are unfounded and unsubstantiated. The courts can only make
 decisions on the information that is presented to them. Without an efficient investigation as to
the allegations of sexual abuse it becomes a he says – she says situation. The tragedy is the
 innocent child caught in the middle of  incompetence, lack of education, and lethargy. With
these very complex cases there must be some kind of checks and balances in place. Proper
 investigative training should be mandatory. The best-case scenario is for a multi-disciplinary
task force to do the investigation. It is unconscionable that many of these children are forced to
tell their story over and over again. That is if the child will tell their story at all to a stranger. In
many situations a female child who is the victim of abuse by a male, is asked to tell her story
to a male social worker. Expecting the child to trust a man who is a stranger is unreasonable.
So many of these children are scared silent by their perpetrators. There just must be a kinder
and more humane way to protect the children.

When the Social Service Agencies Fail:

Horror stories have been reported all across the country exposing the failure of these agencies
to protect children.  Children have been beaten to death, starved, and all variations of
atrocities. This, after the agencies have been alerted to prior abuse and their lack of follow-up
 exposed. On the opposite side of that coin are parents who have been subjected to
Gestapo like abuses of power. Recently I testified before a Legislative Committee with
regard to the Department of Social Services failure to protect children. One case stands
out as poignant. The mother testified that her child entered the system after she had
secured an outside institution to help her troubled son. When the institution did not prove
to be helpful, the mother removed her child. The institution reported the removal to
Department of Social Services, who in turn, removed the child from the mother. After 13
placements in foster care over 11 months, the mother was able to regain custody. The
mother had never been accused of any kind of abuse of her son. Department of Social
Services contacted the mother after the 13^th  placement to inform the mother that she must
have her son tested for the HIV virus that caused AIDS.  The mother was not informed that
the father in the 13th foster home had full-blown AIDS.  While the foster home situation may
be a completely different issue from custody and child sexual abuse issues, it validates an
agency out of control as to the children they are mandated to protect.

<sup>The abuses of power and incompetence are reported in almost every case that I have
personally seen over the years. When errors in judgment are exposed there is no
accountability for these agencies. Immunity protects them from lawsuits and personal
liability. The human carnage regarding these cases is immeasurable. As taxpayers we
are also all paying the price. Health costs, incarceration costs for abusers, crime, and

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additional victimization of children are all part of the equation and are all part of the enormous costs of
denial and minimization. We need to overhaul a system that is not functioning and appears to be
completely in crisis. We owe no less to the children and to the courageous parents who are trying
to protect their children.

WHAT DO I DO IF MY CHILD HAS BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED?

There are few things that cause greater heartbreak than learning that your child has been sexually abused.
The first and most important thing is to reassure the child that it was not his/her fault. Many child
molesters blame the children while they are swearing them to secrecy.  Tell your child that he/she did
the right thing by telling you. Stay as calm as possible. If you show that you are upset it will upset the
child even more.

Reporting the abuse can be a complicated issue. If the child accuses the other parent of committing the
abuse, and you are in a separation or divorce situation, (and even if you are not), my advice is to take
the child immediately to a professional: hospital, pediatrician, psychologist, etc. These professionals
are mandated reporters and it is better that the Child Abuse Report is made by a professional. This
is critical as your case will likely end up in family court and you do not want to be accused of making
false allegations.  Do not, under any circumstances, interview your child yourself or use a video camera.
You will almost for certain be accused of coaching your child. Do not confront the accused. You will
only be met with denial and you will also give that person a head start in preparing his/her defense. Once
the report is made go shopping for a good lawyer, you are going to need one.

Thousands of parents have called me over the years and often the first sentence is “He will never see this
child again”. Sadly, the way our family courts are set up the likelihood that you will get a “No Contact” order
or a severance of parental rights is very

unlikely. Reunification is a Federal Mandate and I have rarely seen a biological parent denied access to
his/her child, even when there is abuse. In most cases the best you can hope for is monitored visitation
with a professional monitor. A family member, especially if that person is related to the accused, is not
a safe monitor because they either do not believe the abuse happened or they are in denial. Your
attorney will have to fight hard for the professional monitor, but it is the only way you will be able to assure
the child’s safety.

Find a therapist who is an expert in child sexual abuse and take your child to therapy immediately. Even if
the child is very young therapy is mandatory. Find a therapist for yourself and a good support group. The
non-offending parents just can’t go through this without outside support and they must stay strong for the
child and the court battle that is sure to ensue.

Incest cases where the other parent is the accused are by far the most complicated. It would be a rare
occurrence that you will ever see the inside of a criminal court.

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According to The Justice Department less than 3% of these cases are prosecuted nationwide. The two
main reasons for lack of prosecution are most district attorneys do not want to traumatize the child
further by subjecting them to a criminal trial. The other is that many families fail to cooperate. They also
do not want to put the child through a trial. Molesting one’s own child is the perfect crime
and there is little accountability for the molester.

If your child has been molested by another family member; i.e. uncle, aunt, etc., or by a teacher, clergy,
coach, etc., you will have a far greater chance of protecting your child. All of the afore-mentioned advice
applies, but you also are in a position to call law-enforcement yourself. If the child victim is female ask
for a female officer to interview the child, especially if the molester was a male. Depending on the age of
your child the case may not go to a criminal trial, but your child will certainly never have to be exposed to
that person again. Many States have Victim Witness monies that are available for therapy once a police
report has been filed. Check with your local district attorneys office for that information. There are many
wonderful books available that will help you understand the legal system. Check the “Recommended
Reading” on this Website for more information.

FALSE ALLEGATIONS

Contrary to what the backlash has tried to make society believe, false allegations are not common. The
American Bar Association stated a few years ago that 2.9% of the allegations of child sexual abuse raised
during custody disputes were false. Of that 2.9%, over 85% of the allegations were made in good faith.

In over 87% of the cases that I have seen over the past almost 10 years, the child victims were under 6 years
old. These little children described sexual acts that they could not possibly have personal knowledge of
unless someone had done something to them. Along with their disclosure these children were exhibiting
signs and symptoms of abuse. The following are just a few of the many signs and symptoms that were
revealed to me in the cases that I worked on:

Many of the children had been potty trained and were now soiling and wetting. Excessive masturbation was
another symptom. Night terrors, attempting to act out sexually with other children, blood in the vagina
or stool, vaginal infections, refusing to have a bowel movement, terrified of the bathroom, especially the
bathtub, displaying rage and anger with little provocation, refusing to eat certain foods such as bananas.
The list is endless. The graphic descriptions made by the children of erections, ejaculations, and other
sexual acts left nothing not to be believed. The children could not have been coached, coerced or any other
kind of mental manipulation to make these things up. Why are the children not being believed or listened to?

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There are two answers to that question and they are ignorance and denial. As stated earlier in this text,
many professionals are not educated and the family courts are attempting to put all of these cases into one
 category; the non-offending parent is just trying to gain an advantage by alleging child sexual abuse in a
custody dispute.

DESPERATION

Over the years many non-offending parents have threatened to take their children and flee. In fact, some
have done just that. How do you stand by and watch, over and over again, your child, the most precious
person in your world, go to visit his/her rapist for unsupervised visits? The screams of your child echo long
after the child has left. This heartbreaking question has been asked by so many of the parents that
I have worked with.

It is so difficult and frustrating for me to tell the parent that they just must not disobey the court order. I
tell the parent that fleeing is not an option. Most of these parents will get caught and then there are no
options. Very rarely have I seen an investigation into why these parents fled in the first place. The accused
goes to court immediately upon hearing that the non-offending parent has left. With no questions asked
he/she is given temporary custody of the now missing child. When the non-offending parent and child are
discovered the child is turned over to the parent who was accused of molesting him/her. I know many good
mothers who have not seen their child in years. The courts are very unforgiving of the parent who disobeys
a court order. It is sad that they are not as unforgiving of the perpetrating parent who is stealing the
childhood and the potential of his/her own child.

The family courts in this country need complete reform. One attorney told me a few years ago that we
should just tear our present system down and start over. That it is too far gone for reform to even work.
However, it is all we have to work with at the present time. We must educate these professionals who
are making decisions affecting the lives of so many of our children. We must educate society about the
atrocities that are being committed against the children in the very courts that are sworn to protect them.
I honestly believe that we can cut through the complacency and the apathy if we can somehow bring these
terrible injustices to children before the American people. We at MOTHERS AGAINST SEXUAL ABUSE,
MASA, hope that this Website is a step in the right direction. Our hope is that every person visiting this
Website will feel a personal responsibility for children and will join us in our quest of trying to protect them.

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